Formerly Known As: So Tonight Went Well

The one upshot was I did beat Stanford in NCAA’09.  Go ‘Zona 2020.  After that, well things didn’t go so well.  It started with mother dearest calling me in the closing seconds of said victory over Stanford.  Apparently, she stopped in at the Randall’s grocery store on the far side of town.  When she got back to her car, it was dead.  No lights, no clicking, nada.  She tells me to meet her there with a screw driver and some water, as she knew her battery had been drying up recently.

So I’m like, “that’s cool, I’ll be there in thirty.”  Well I get every thing together, head out to the west side of town.  I get there, and some jerk pulls into the parking spot ahead of mother’s van right before I can pull in.  Of course leave it to my mother to point out that “the previous three cars, all driven by white people, didn’t pull in the spot when she is standing out in front with the hood up.”  Yeah, she went there.  I swear she’s not a racist though, just tired from the events thus far — yes, I just defended my mother.   The slot next to the van came open shortly, so I was able to pull in right next to her, so it was fine.  So we begin by trying to jump the battery.  We hooked up the cables and went at it.

The jump ended up unsuccessful.  We were able to restore the lights and getting the engine to click.  But we couldn’t get anything else.  So we go to start taking the battery out so we can go to WalMart and get a new one.  The battery was under their warranty, so it was going to be free.  It didn’t take long to find out there was a going to be a problem.  The battery is held in place by a block.  This block is clamped down by a long pin with a hex head.  Well no one told me I would need a nut driver or wrench, so I didn’t have any way to get the battery off.  So I make a trip across the road to WalMart to pick up a wrench.  I get it, get back, then proceed to get it out of its packaging.  Now we’re not talking any elaborate packaging, just a zip tie on a cardboard sheet.  So I go to break the zip tie with my keys; instead, the zip tie broke my key in half.  So now I have a car without a working battery and a truck without a key.  Great!

So now I call my cousin to come to the rescue.  So he walks out of dinner with his family, pizza slice still in his mouth.  Meanwhile, the mother and I devour a bag of craisins, so OK, maybe the whole night wasn’t that bad, we got craisins.   So the cousin takes mother dearest to WalMart with the battery, then he takes me to the house for my spare key.  While home, we take the ugly dog of my mother out for a quick pee break.

So we made our way back to the scene of the break downs.  The cousin left, I made my way to WalMart to pick up mother.  She had a brand new battery and a bag of other crap that was totally useless.   So we go back to the van and I hooked in the new battery.  More good news… the battery is no good!   It actually provides less power than the original one.  The overhead lights hardly flickered.  So we go to take the battery back to WalMart again.  We go to the automotive desk in the back.  The guy blows me some hard luck story about my stranded mother and him not testing the original battery, “that was the first time in six years I didn’t follow protocol.  Six years, that’s why I’m still here.”  Great WalMart dude, you work at WalMart, suck it. He tested the new battery, it was good.  We know the van is done.

So we take the battery back to the van.  Pack up my mother’s stuff into my truck bed.  We head to Chick-fil-a, which definitely made up for me losing my truck key.  Mmm… chicken sandwhich and some waffle fries…. and a Dr Pepper, for FREE! [/unforgivable].

Now tomorrow I get to get up bright and early tomorrow to meet a tow truck at Randalls.  What a great night.


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